Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
