fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
