Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm bleeding and have questions
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
