did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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