I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
