My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
