Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
