I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
