someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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