Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
