Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He has the fingertips of a God
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