I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
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