please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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