Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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