if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's like God shit irony all over that family
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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