I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize