Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
