I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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