so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
