im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
