she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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