Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
