he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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