Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
jump out the window naked night went bad
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