dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
