Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
