I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
