I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
