sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
