I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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