I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize