How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
