all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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