i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
