i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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