bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
