the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
