Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
FUCK WHALES
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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