I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
