So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Randomize
