Redeem this text for a blowjob
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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