Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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