Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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