you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
