booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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