I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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