My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
