Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
