I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
