When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
