Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
