I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize