I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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