I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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