all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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