I accidentally had phone sex last night
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
