After last night, I could never be a politician.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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