I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
