you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
