How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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