I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There's always time for handjobs
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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