Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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