PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
