why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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