I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
