i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
