Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
