I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
