You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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