im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
