my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
