Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
