Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
