i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
