Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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