I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
