Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
