I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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