Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
